The Gay Cafe





Over 18 Only!


After she begged me to go, I finally relented and took my friend, astrologer Slim Rogers-Galaga, to the Gay Cafe, the name for gay night at my favorite bar in Normandy, La Dionysienne.

Slim usually spent all her time at another local gin joint called the Comic Cafe built in her honor by her friends Jaw Jeffer and Slick Ravine. After I, Count Carlo, had informed those fellows that I was going to keep writing stories with astrology in them, because no one in astrology today was doing this, they conference-called Slim a few weeks later and asked her to write a column for their website designed to compete with me. Slim happily obliged the new writing assignment, even after I told her that she was an unwitting pawn in a game of binary pinball between my website and theirs. So I decided to take Slim to my favorite bar on gay night, so that she could see how the Planets really are when they let down their hair, among other things, as it were.

Slim told me once in another bar that she loves gay people, and couldn't contain herself as she glanced at a table of gay men one night, saying "Oh, they're so cute, I love gay people, they're just so free!" I told her that she is a "fag hag" and she grimaced, until I explained to her that that is the term, albeit uncouth, that some folks use to refer to a straight woman who is enamored by the gay lifestyle. I told her to get used to it, and that if I did take her along to gay night at La Dionyssienne, then she had better not act too sappy, or else they would be onto the fact that they had a fag hag in their midst. She agreed to do the best she could.

We arrived in the middle of a song by the immortal band Queen. Slim asked me if I thought that they would play the country song "Trashy Woman" in her honor, and I said that they probably would not.

We bellied up to the bar, and I bought Slim a Bud Lite, and myself a Guinness. She immediately asked me if I would like to play her favorite video game, Galaga, from where she got her surname. She had married the video machine years ago, and said that even though they were divorced, she kept the name because Galaga is still her best friend. What an honor for the video game, I thought.

She then whispered to me, "Who is that guy coming our way?"

"I said, "That's Sunny. He is the essence of mainstream gay, without all the usual trappings that some people associate with gay men...you know, being really queeny, wearing a feather boa, that type of thing. Just be cool, Galaga, I'll handle this. And remember...you're not too big to spank."

"Hi Carlo...who's your friend?" Sunny quizzed.

"Hi Sunny. Sunny, this is Slim, she is an astrologer."

"Oh, yes, I think I have seen her book. 'Astrology for the High Side of the...something or other."

"Yes, that's me...the Brain," Slim retorted gleefully.

"Well that is rather egocentric, eh Carlo? She thinks she's the brains of the group."

"No, I..." Slim began to explain, until I cut her off.

"No Sunny, what Slim means is that is the name of her book."

"Oh, I am so sorry Slim, honey."

Slim smiled meekly, and returned to nursing her beer. She seemed to begin to understand that she would be better off after all letting me do the talking.

"So Sunny, what's new? How are things?"

"Oh, not too bad Carlo. Seems that the big Rabbi group just decided to allow same-sex marriages. That's the biggest deal for us right now."

"Yes, I heard that. Now if the orthodox Jews would only come around..."

"Yeah, imagine? Scary! We take our victories where we can, Carlo. We have so much work to do."

"You're tireless, Sunny. All the work you do as the inner essence of the gay scene. Is the straight look part of it?"

"Yes, it is actually. I have found that being 'straight-acting' as we call it, is a better way in some cases to make being gay more acceptable to the mainstream population. I love to dress in drag just like the next boy, but I just came from a school board meeting, so I 'dressed down', shall we say?" Sunny said with a sunny smile.

"I see. That's great Sunny. So you are on the school board here in town? That's terrific," I replied, as Slim began to eye the Galaga machine more and more, like a kitten gazing at a bowl of cream.



"Yes Carlo. See, if the right-wingers can infiltrate the school boards, then so can we. Basically it's about counteracting their efforts, which as you know, are everywhere...like California's Prop 22. Although, we did just have that big win in Vermont! Bless that man, Governor Dean, he is most compassionate, such a forward thinker...kind of you like you, eh Carlo?"

"Thank you Sunny. Yes, Governor Dean is most awesome, he really is one of the best politicians we have in the States. Yet, gays are making gains everywhere, so all will work out. Remember, July 4, 1776...the United States is a Cancer Sun, so there will always be compassion and caring when all is said and done."

"Well, let's just say we still have much work to do, and it is a labor of love. So Carlo, I don't see you here much anymore."

"Anymore??" Slim commented.

"Yes, girl. The Count used to be a regular in here. He is what some of us call 'bi-curious'. Others, like me, say he just hasn't found the right man yet!"

The three laughed, and Sunny leaned over into Carlo's ear and whispered, "Carlo, if you can manage to lose the girl...I am having a little soiree at my place later, kind of a victory party...and I'd love to have you...come to the party, that is."

"You're very sweet Sunny, I'll see what I can do," I replied softly, glancing askew at the bar, strangely comfortable with his offer.

"Okay babes, I should go mingle for a bit, and then get ready for later, you kids have fun. Carlo, take the poor thing to play that video game, she just drooled on the bar. Go and roger the Galaga machine already, girl!"

I turned, and saw Slim busily wiping up a bit of her own saliva, and said to her, "Come on, I'll give you a game."

Slim hopped off her stool, and we made our way to the Galaga machine, the only remaining one in France.

Slim slid two quarters into the slot with ease and began to blast the space aliens, true to her Aquarian Moon manner. Without breaking her gaze from the screen, she commented to me, "That guy Sunny...what's his story?"


"Oh, he is a typical gay man. That may sound like a contradiction in terms, yet it is not," I offered.

"How would you rate him astrologically? What's his sign?"

"He is a Leo, and he represents the inner essence of gay men. Kind, sweet, friendly, and concerned with keeping his own personal 'flame' burning brightly...and the flame of the gay community too. Get it, Fire girl?"

"Uh, yep...now shut up, can't you see I'm trying to play?"

I sighed, and turned away from the game. It was clear that I would be waiting a while for my turn anyway, so I began to cruise the bar, so to speak.

"Oh Carlo!" a soft voice sang.

I turned and saw Luno, my old friend.

"Hi Luno, what's going on?"

"Not much, sugar. You here alone?"

"No, that's my friend at the Galaga machine."

"Fag hag? Carlo...why don't you just come here alone? You know I am always here, waiting for your grand entrance."

"Well, I...it's just...I..."

"Oh, hush child, and give me a big fat hug, you frothy stallion!" With that, the Cancerian gave me just that, and it actually felt good, as Water does when it blends with Earth. Luno was named for Luna, the Moon, and was a Cancer man. He delighted in trapping me in his claws whenever he got the chance.

"You bitch! What was that all about? I can't believe you didn't squeeze me really hard!"

"What? Luno, you know I like you, it's just..."

"Yeah, it's just that you are so freakin' straight! What is your problem??"

"Now Luno, do you think that perhaps you're being a bit moody? You Moon-ruled folk have a propensity for that, you know..."

"Oh Carlo, I love it when you talk astrology!! Thank you for cheering me up, you sweet man. Oh honey, it looks like you're friend is waving for you....go to her...and get rid of her already. Did you hear about Sunny's party later? I'll be there, handsome... Crabby claws and all," and he winked, as I waved and headed toward Slim and the Galaga machine.

"Is it my turn Slim?"

"Well, it was...but you were engrossed in chatting with that man, so I took your turn, and then mine again, then yours, mine, yours, and...do you want to play me again? I'll pay..." and she shovelled two more quarters into the machine, snapped her head back into place, and began to lose herself in the battle with the Bally monsters.


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As I headed back to the bar, I was intercepted by a slender fellow dressed in yellow. He recognized me immediately, and spoke in an Airy voice,

"Hi Carlo! What's new?"

"Hi Freddy, how are you?"

"I'm doing great! Are you here alone?"

"No, I came with a friend. She's over there rogering her husband," I replied and glanced toward the Galaga machine, where Slim was locked in ferocious battle yet again with the space aliens. I returned my attention to Freddy who said,

"Okaaaaay. Well, my name change went through, finally. I love my new name, do you?"

"Freddy Mercury, huh? Yeah, it suits you just fine, Freddy. I just hope that people don't get you confused with that rock god himself."

"How could anyone ever confuse me with him, Carlo? Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure, Freddy...Scotch and water, please."

Freddy ordered our drinks, and we took a place at the bar. He pardoned himself to answer his cellular phone, and intoned,

"Hi Tommy! Yes, I'm here with Count Carlo, that frothy stallion. I'm working on it Tommy! How is Bruce? I love that man, and his Harley...what a nice bike! Oh, hang on Tommy, there is my other phone," and Mercury then plucked another cellular phone from his pocket and answered it.

"Hi Uri! Are you coming by tonight? This place is not the same without your antics. Carlo is here, and I have Tommy Hawk on the other line. Yes, I'll ask him, hang on,"

Mercury then returned his attention to his first caller,

"Hi Tommy...yes, Uri is on his way. Do you think that you can give me a lift to Sunny's party later? Yes, I'll work on Carlo. Could you give him a ride too? Okay, I'll see you when you get here, my sexy man."

Mercury then switched back to Uri and said,

"Hi babe. Tommy and Bruce are on their way. See you when you get here, sexy. Yes, I am working on that as we speak. Okay, buh-bye,"

Mercury then leaned into me and said,

"So Carlo, Tommy, Bruce, and Uri are on their way now. Say you'll come to Sunny's party. I would, if I were you."

"Well Merc, you're not me, you're a Gemini! Yes, I will probably go, we'll see what happens."

"Great Carlo, that sounds fabulous! I am going to go mingle now. Here, take my cell phone number, that way you can contact me later. I'll be leaving shortly to go to the beach with some friends for a quick dip in the ocean. Think about the party though, okay? Omigods, here comes Mars! I hope you'll be okay! I'd better run!"

With that, the slender Mercury disappeared into the crowd, and I was approached by a man clad in leather and chains. His face was scarred, yet his gaze was strong, and I was powerless to ignore it.

"Carlo. What brings you here? I thought you avoided the club scene."

"Hi Mars. I couldn't keep away, knowing that you would be here. You look as tough as ever."

"Yes, well, we leatherboys usually are. Come with me now, let's go out to my van. I remodeled the inside...it's a regular torture chamber now. Come on," he said, as if there was no other choice.

"I think I'll stay here at the bar, Mars. I am expecting some friends shortly. Maybe I can have a rain check."

"You had better not be lying to me, Carlo. You know how I get when people lie to me. It makes me very angry."

"Oh no, Mars, I wouldn't lie. Tommy Hawk will be here shortly, and we need to consult on his Fall fashion release."

"I'll give you a release, Carlo. Maybe someday you won't be afraid to face how truly gay you really are. You just need a good top, in my opinion, and I am just the queer to do it," Mars replied confidently, twirling the end of his moustache. "I'll see you later, Carlo, and if you see Mercury, you tell him that he is long overdue on his weekly lashings."

"Sure Mars, I'll tell him. I am sure he wouldn't want to miss out on spending time with you though, boss."

"You bet your ass he wouldn't. You just give him the message anyway, got it?"

"Got it, I will."





The strapping leatherboy then stalked off towards the restrooms, cruising all the while for submissive prey. He is a man driven, a Scorpio, and always on the lookout for fresh conquests. I shuddered to think what his van looked like inside, and felt relieved that Tommy and Bruce would eventually be here.

"Carlo, baby-mon," a husky voice vibrated in my ear.

"Hey, Big Daddy Jupiter! What's up, man?"

"Hahaha! Are you 'aving fun? Because that's what it's all about, mon!"

Big Daddy Jupiter was indeed big. Nearly seven feet tall, Jamaican, with ten bejeweled fingers, he was the image of jovial, and loves to flash his abundance for all to see.

"I was back 'ome in St. Ann's for a few weeks, what a time I 'ad! Lots of lovely boys dare, and the ganja was wonderful. Do you want to get 'igh, Carlo? We can go to me limo now, and puff a fat blunt...what you say, star-mon?"


"Thanks Jupe, yet I should stick around. I have some friends on the way, and I don't want to miss them."

"Let me buy you a drink then. Bartender, another round please. So Carlo, 'ow is your new practice going? Do you need any money for it?"

"It's going well, Jupe. The income is coming in, and I really can't complain. Who'd listen anyway?" I joked, and Jupiter flashed a wide grin, and sat back in his chair.

"Carlo," Jupiter said, now placing his hulking arm on my shoulder, "I thought that I would invite you to Sunny's party later. Me 'ired caterer and some dancing boys, mon, I hope you'll be coming by and enjoying yourself."

"Yes, Jupe, I will probably be there, I have been invited by Sunny himself. I have this small matter of my friend over there at the video machine, I came with her, and I don't think that she'll want to go."

"Well, she is welcome to ride 'ome in me limo, mon. If she get tired of this place, just send 'er out to me car, me driver can take her 'ome. Anyt'ing else on you mind, 'andsome?"

"You are so generous Jupe, I do appreciate it, truly. Yes, I will tell her about your offer. I must confess, I am not sure about Sunny's party. I didn't want to wind up tied to a St. Andrew's cross by Mars, or left in the back of his van...I guess I..."

"So you need some protection, Carlo? No problem...anyt'ng anyone 'as to say to you, they can say it to me first."

"Thanks Jupe, although I can handle him. I just don't want him to slip me a Micky and I wake up in the morning with some foreign object in my..."

"I follow you, sugar. That's what I am 'ere for. Mars may be a leatherboy, but 'e ain't got nothing on me. If you go, I'll keep an eye on you...'opefully more, yet at least I'll watch your back."

"Well, I guess I would be in good 'ands, so to speak. I appreciate your kindness, Jupe."

"Okay baby-mon, I'll be around. I'll see you later. 'ey, bartender, you make sure that you put this lovely man's drinks on me tab. 'is money not good in 'ere, you got me?"

The bartender and I exchanged glances, acknowledging Jupiter's arrangement, and the giant man then hopped off his barstool, patted my back, and began to greet the other people in the bar with equal magnanimity.

"What a shame," commented a voice next to me at the bar. I turned and saw an elderly man with rustled hair and a wizened countenance gazing at me through deeply stoned eyes.

"A brother like that wasting his time and money in a place like this," the old man continued. "Hi, I'm Sam Saturn...aren't you that astrologer fellow?"

"Yes, hi there, the name's Count Carlo. You don't care for Jupiter, eh?"

"I watch him a lot. He's always so jovial and generous, but real life isn't like that, I'll tell you."

"Is that right? Well, I think we create our own destiny, and if he wants to be a friend to all, that's not such a crime."

"No, not a crime, my boy...just not real life. One must have limits, even in this community. Most of these guys don't appreciate hard work...they come in here and blow their paychecks on booze and drugs, and wonder why the weekend stretches to Wednesday. I think moderation is sorely missing from this corner of the cosmos. Take it from me, young fella, I have been around for a long time."

I nodded in semi-agreement, mostly because I realized that I wouldn't soon change this man's thinking, nor did I feel that I had any obligation to do so, nor that I even would attempt it.

"Things change Carlo. People change. The Universe demands growth from all of us. That type of generosity doesn't last. It's fleeting. There is simply no substitute for hard work."

"I agree with you in part, yet disagree in part. Maybe things have changed since your day, Old Timer, yet I don't see anything wrong with being cheerful and generous along the way. Why be stubborn and grumpy, when one can be positive and upbeat? Of course, I have Jupiter in Cancer in the first, so could I really be any other way?"

"Bunk, I say! Seriousness is king. That's why I chase the young boys. So I can show them the importance of hard work and focusing on goals, rather than the happy-go-lucky ways of folks like that Jupiter. That can only last so long, I say. Better to be educated and work hard and earn your keep. No one can take that away from you, and there is a deeper sense of self-importance when you get what you have worked for, instead of letting others give it to you. I told that to young master Robin, shortly before he started shacking up with that letch Bruce Wayne. That's why I wasn't surprised when that boy wanted to go solo."

I pondered the Old Man's words for a few minutes. He made a good case, and while I agreed with his emphasis on hard work, I still felt that people should create their own destinies, and was at once thankful for diversity.

"As long as we can honor our differences, Old Man, and as long as we don't hurt anyone, then I think that we should all pretty much do as we like."

"You'll see, son...in time...in time."

I returned my gaze to my drink, and excused myself from the bar, and headed for the Galaga machine to check on my friend Slim.

In strode Tommy Hawk and Ur Anus. Uri, to his friends, climbed right up on the bar in front of me and dropped his pants. He was wearing a lime green PVC jock, and grabbed his crotch to the crowds' cheers. He then kneeled on the bar and kissed my cheek. "Hi Carlo,"

"Wow Uri, that was some entrance."

"You know it man, all Uranian lightning bolts and Vulcanic thunder!"

"I'll say. Hey, where are the ladies already?"

"They just pulled up," Uri answered. "They came together in a limo, probably in more ways than one," the Aquarian said. "Hear the trumpeteers? And they go!" Uri cheered, as two splendid women began to stroll in. Venus and Neptune, arm in arm.

Venus was in lipstick and Libra, the gown which was a natural progression from Versace, pioneered however by the estimable Tommy Hawk. Neptune was done up in Pisces, and loved the lapping shores of that favorite sign of Hers. The two were a sight, and all the guests were pleased, even Mars the leatherboy. He was in a masochistic mood after all. My jaw simply hit the floor when I saw them arrive.

Venus said softly to me, "Carlo, this is your night, my baby...have fun and don't drink and drive that carriage. If you do, I bless you with some extra Love all along your way home."

Neptune then added, "And I will give you lovely dreams the whole way there. Be free, yet remember me."

I was then pleased that I had made my goddesses happy. There was truly nothing more that I lived for than that. Well, maybe literature...





The two women then began to neck, and most of the men returned their collective gaze to a Wham! video playing above the top shelf liquor.

"George Michael...now there was a queer. Changed the world, that one."

"Hi Darth Pluto," I greeted the Master.

"Hey Carlo. You diggin' me in Sagittarius or what, Virginboy?"

"Oh, I don't mind your transits, buddy. You're sly enough to get away with murder," I teased the Truly Powerful One. "I just hope that you weren't too pissed off from that battle for status a while back. Demote you?? What were they even thinking..."

"That's right, my man. You know it. Like I really care. I'll see them all eventually, in some aspect. Then we'll see who's a lightweight."

"Just go easy Darth, so many people are still aching from that 1999 Fixed Sign stress, and most recently the Grand Alignment heaviness. The Taurus lineup isn't making everybody's day as good as mine, yo," I commented to my companion, the Planet of Change.

"That's the truth, Carlo. Hey, at least I'm out of Scorpio...for now. How'd you like me there?"

"Now there's a concept I can't get enough of....a beat-down by Fixed Signs. Who's idea was that anyway? Too much pain, man...why??"

"Change, Carlo. Change through learning. You'll have had me in five or six signs during this lifetime alone! That is more than most people could say a few hundred short years ago."

"True, that's very true. Well, I don't sweat you in Sagg, actually. I have met some interesting Saggy folk since you've been here, inconjuncting my Ascendant for a while, off it now, I imagine, and past a square with my Sun. Plus you trine my Leo Personality Planets. The truth is, I like you in Sagg, my friend...the sign of travel and spirituality."

"As do I, Carlo, as do I. Well then, I'll make my rounds slowly then, and see you later at Sunny's party. Have a nice night, and love that Rodeo stuff!"

Darth Pluto then stalked off, nodding to me in Slim's general direction, as if to say, "Do something with this one, looks like she needs to 'roger' more than just a Galaga machine, stud."

I soon greeted Tommy Hawk, and we chatted for about 20 minutes. He told me of his new corset line, and how it was taking Italy by storm in it's pre-release stage alone. I showed Tommy a ring that I had, and he talked to me of ancient ruins in Calabria and what he knew of the great Pyramids. I gazed at the esoteric and proud gay man and fondly wished him all the best in the world. He was compassionate, and so his legacy would continue. Tommy Hawk had fostered a dream, a magical quality about clothes, and the popularity of his lines was akin to that of any Versace or Calvin Klein. Mostly, Tommy was legendary for restoring a Native American feel to his lines, and was thus a favorite with the younger Pagan set. Tommy sponsors an annual raffle for drums, placing these instruments under the arms of people who want to learn to drum. The program mostly benefits inner-city Pagans who like drumming. They drum and drum, and then drum some more, all night long they drum sometimes.

And I realized at once that the new dawn of Goddess-centered astrology would indeed require care and love. The archetypes appearing to me all at once, as gay people, had indeed increased my awareness for the power of the Planets. I thought back to visiting Slim at the Comic Cafe, in the StarHQ mall, and believed that she was probably better off in that dive anyway. Yet I knew that sooner or later I would catch her rogering that Galaga machine again, blasting the cosmic creatures with a blazing look of that Sagittarius/Aquarius mix that is so truly her. Oh, would that God/dess had made us all Air or Fire Signs! We'd have had global warming begun a much longer time ago!
















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